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| I Got What I Didn’t Deserve I went through the intense emotions on Mother’s Day. It all started when we got home from a trip and there was ONE CARD waiting for me. Out of SIX children ONE of them sent a card. What’s wrong with this picture? My children that live in the area, all three of them, LEFT TOWN that week end. Well, fine, I thought at least they would send a card. It’s not like I am even asking to be taken out for dinner. I am not even asking for a gift. I spent the morning crying. I was mad at each of my kids (well, not my youngest, she is the one who was thoughtful enough to send a card). I wasn’t too mad at my married daughter. She takes good care of me, and she, understandably, is wrapped up in her own family, but still. My other daughter, the one I have been estranged from her entire life? Well Dear, when are you going to quit punishing me? What happened was not entirely my fault. I am still your mother, I still love you, and the door to my heart is wide open. The boys? Well, geeze, how hard is it to put a card in the mail? Come on kids; let’s show a little appreciation for your Dear Old Ma, will you? The boys called later in the day and redeemed themselves, but barely. My point is this: Is this how it feels to get old? Old people get ignored or disrespected or left out. My other point is: Am I really that insecure? My whole life has been centered on my children. I love being a mother. That was all I ever really wanted out of life; to care for my children, and to have a life partner that loved me and that I could love. I suppose I need the affirmation that I did a decent job of raising my kids and that they love me. There were times when life was crazy and dysfunctional but hey, that’s life. My kids were always the most important to me. I surprised myself at how quickly I fell apart. I am usually such a mellow person and I am generally positive and cheerful. Just beneath the surface, though run deep feelings. What is that saying “still waters run deep”. I got something I didn’t deserve, and that was to feel neglected on Mother’s Day. | | |
| Change alone is eternal, perpetual, immortal.” Arthur Schopenhauer Trying to define change is like building a sand castle. Just when you have the thing built it melts, dissolving into the sands of the beach once again. Life is change; all of it. The seasons change, birth and death are change, we transform from one being into another during the course of our lives, do we not? The way we think, the way we see ourselves and the world is constantly changing. Then there is the question “am I the one who is making the change, or am I the one who is being changed?” Does it matter? Life happens anyway and if we resist change we only make it hard on ourselves. | | |
| I sit here in my peaceful home on a Sunday morning and realize that I am happy. My husband just brought me a dozen red roses. He is going away on a business trip, and he bought them so I can look at them and remember him while he is away. He will not be gone long, only a week, but still, I think that is the sweetest gesture of love. He and I share a contented, quiet love. We laugh together, we travel, and we stay at home, reflect our thoughts, and plan our future. Romantic love is wonderful and in no way would I want to take away from the excitement of falling in love or the passion that is so thrilling and transforming. I have fallen in love several times in my life. I am grateful to have found a life partner, and I rejoice when I watch my children choose their spouses and begin their families. The love and commitment between two people, is something to be treasured and respected. That being said, I believe there are many different layers of love under one umbrella of unconditional love. There is the Mother Theresa kind of love, for example, the encompassing love for the poorest of the poor and the most hopeless of humanity. The love that Christ represented in the New Testament. There is the love of a mother for her children, the love between the dearest of friends, the enduring love between two people that have been married for 60 years. Throughout the ages poets have written of love, Love is the essence of all things, the reason of life, the great gift freely given from the universe and the more you give the more you receive. It was hard to decide which poem to choose (as I am not writing one myself, please bear with me) but for this post I am sharing one by Rumi which express so well, I think, the theme of universal love: The Meaning of LoveBy Rumi Both light and shadow
are the dance of Love. Love has no cause;
it is the astrolabe of God’s secrets. Lover and Loving are inseparable
and timeless. Although I may try to describe Love
when I experience it I am speechless. Although I may try to write about Love
I am rendered helpless;
my pen breaks and the paper slips away
at the ineffable place
where Lover, Loving and Loved are one. Every moment is made glorious
by the light of Love. | | |
| Lunch Date You have a lunch date with ( )... tell us about it, who is the date with, where will you go, what will you talk about .... I sit anxiously at the table and glance at my watch. Five minutes until meeting time. Will she show up? Ah, there she is! We have a reservation at the restaurant where I used to work. It is a small place and the management has agreed to give me and my guest all time and the privacy we need for our lunch. I could have chosen anywhere, I suppose, but I wanted to feel like I was on my own turf. I think she will enjoy the small town intimacy away from the public eye. Oprah and I will have a heart to heart discussion and share our thoughts and feelings on life in general. I will tell her of my own life experiences and the goals and dreams that I have. I hope that she will give me advice on how to get my book(s) published. I admire her very much and will tell her that I appreciate what she has done in her life to help others. I hope to get her advice, also on how to start a cause in my state that enables battered women to rebuild their lives. One of my passions in life is reading, so she and I will share our impressions about our favorite books, and perhaps discuss the current book of her choice. We agree to stay in touch. I have a new friend. | | |
| Featured Grownups post: What I am afraid of. (not necessarily in order of importance) Heights. I am desperately afraid of high places. My hands get clammy, my stomach clenches, and I feel like I am going to fall. Vertigo big time. Freeway driving. The thought of driving 70 miles an hour along with lots of other cars makes no sense and invites anxiety. I don’t drive freeways. Dentist appointments. I always feel guilty if I need a filling. The sounds of drill, the needles, the numb mouth (glad it is numb, though, otherwise there would be pain) is horrible. I dread going to the dentist. Caves, tunnels, and other closed in and dark places. When I was a kid I panicked when I went head first into my sleeping bag. Right wing, fundamental Christians. I fear their narrow minded, judgmental, Bible thumping ways. There is no reasoning with them. They think they need to convert people to their way of thinking, or else we will all be condemned to hell. Sara Palin and Elizabeth Hasselbeck. I fear these women because they represent the state of mind of the right wingers and their ignorance is astounding. I suppose I shouldn’t judge them for being unenlightened but I don’t want Sara with any kind of power. Elizabeth makes the View interesting, but ugh. Oh, and then there is George Bush and Dick Cheney. I fear them for what they have done while governing this country. | | |
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